- RACHEL SANDERS -

Published by Blush Magazine
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In a perfect world, we’d all visit our doctors, take folic acid, and lay off the liquor before trying to get pregnant. Sometimes, however, things just happen. Just when you weren’t expecting to be expecting, a plus sign on that little white stick can send you into serious pregnancy paranoia.

From hot tubs to ham sandwiches, things that were innocuous last week become a source of anxiety. But when do you really need to worry?

READ MORE…

Published in Westcoast Families magazine
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It was a whirlwind romance. Less than a year after they met at a mutual friend’s New Year’s Eve party, Caroline and David* were married.

But it didn’t take long for the first cracks to appear. When their son, Jonah, was born, parenthood put new pressures on their as-yet untested relationship. Caroline had trouble adjusting to her new role at home: she missed her teaching job and she felt isolated and depressed. David, she says, didn’t seem to understand. And she admits she didn’t make it easy for him.

“At the beginning I’d thought we were perfect together,” says Caroline, “but maybe I was just in too much of a hurry. I was 39 when we met and I guess could feel my clock ticking.”

Before long, their constant bickering turned to full-blown arguments and, ultimately, Caroline and David’s fundamental personality differences proved impossible for the couple to overcome. But both were deeply concerned about the potential effects of separation and divorce on their son, who was by then three years old.

“We couldn’t bear to live together anymore, but neither of us could stand the thought that Jonah might suffer because of it.”

That was when they started looking into family mediation.

“It seemed a lot less hostile and more focused on finding solutions,” Caroline says.

Vancouver Family Mediator Vicki Bennett says that mediation is a process that’s well worth considering for couples that have made the decision to split. A family mediator, she explains, serves as a neutral third party to help the couple reach an agreement on issues such as child custody and financial support.

“The goal of mediation is that it’s certainly intended to be non-adversarial and it’s less costly and more time-effective than going to court,” says Bennett.

She explains that while both parties in family mediation generally hire lawyers, the function of those lawyers is different.

“The way they’re using a lawyer in a mediation context is as an advisor rather than as an advocate on their side taking an adversarial position,” says Bennett. “And they may think that’s too expensive, but it’s still far less than they would pay if they went the separate lawyer route and ended up in litigation.”

In fact, couples that are determined to avoid litigation altogether have another option for negotiating their divorce, one that is fairly new but gaining momentum: collaborative divorce. In this process, the divorcing couple hires lawyers but signs an agreement saying they will not go to court.

The lawyers then work together with the couple to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement. Frequently, other professionals are brought into collaborative divorce negotiations as well, including child specialists, financial specialists and trained counselors called divorce coaches.

Vancouver divorce coach and family therapist Marilyn Beloff explains how each person going through a divorce can benefit from having someone they can speak to who is not on anyone’s side.

“A divorce coach gives the person going through the divorce a safe place where they can really look at their fears, put things in perspective, look at a way that they could use this process to grow and make sure that their children don’t suffer,” says Beloff. “A divorce coach would provide an education and a psychological help to the process.”

Taking care of your own psychological needs during a divorce is critical, in fact, to ensuring a positive outcome for every member of the family. The range of emotions that parents must cope with during a divorce can be overwhelming. Surfing waves of anger, guilt, fear, relief, sadness or all of the above can also take a toll on a person’s ability to parent effectively. That’s where the child specialist can be helpful.

“The child specialist can actually meet with the children, really understand what the children are going through and, in my experience, when they take that back to the parents, that cuts through a lot of the problems,” says Beloff.

Although collaborative divorce may not be appropriate in every situation – Beloff describes relationships involving personality disorders or violence as “difficult to deal with without court provisions” – under the right circumstances it can be highly effective at reducing conflict, something that’s been proven to benefit children of divorce.

“From all the research that’s been done on the effects of separation and divorce, we’ve learned that the most difficult thing on children is exposure to conflict. So it’s important to do whatever you can to resolve the issues causing the conflict,” says Beloff. And although divorce is inevitably a painful and difficult process, she is adamant that the long-term effects – for everyone involved – do not have to be negative.

“There’s not very much that we’re sure of in life, but one thing we’re sure of is that life will change,” says Beloff. “And if parents can help their children adapt to change, they’re going to be better off in the long run. If you can teach your children to use whatever happens to them and deal with it in a way that can enrich their lives, help them develop more empathy, more resilience and belief in themselves that they can ride through things, then they’ll be fine.”

As for Caroline and David, their mediator helped them reach an agreement they’re both able to live with.

“It hasn’t been easy,” Caroline says, “but we’re finally at a place where we can work together to make sure Jonah has everything he needs.” And she feels she’s been able to grow and learn from the situation, too. “I feel like Jonah has two happy homes now, instead of one miserable one.”

Published in Westcoast Families magazine
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Amanda and David Clegg only realized how desperately they wanted a child when they discovered that they might not be able to have one. Like many women of her generation, Amanda had postponed thinking about having kids until she was in her mid-30s, wanting to finish school, establish a career and buy a home before starting a family.

“Once I got all those ducks in a row, I wanted that final piece of the puzzle,” she says. But after trying for a year to conceive and undergoing a number of tests, their doctor diagnosed the Cleggs with unexplained infertility.

“I realized at that point that a baby wasn’t the final piece of the puzzle,” says Amanda. “It was the only piece that mattered. I suddenly knew that this was the only thing in life that I wanted. And I had this awful fear that it would never happen.”

Amanda and Dave’s experience is hardly unique. Dr. Al Yuzpe, co-director of Vancouver’s Genesis Fertility Centre, estimates that somewhere between one in six and one in seven couples have difficulty conceiving.

And for many of those couples, the thought of seeking infertility treatment is daunting and overwhelming.

“There were some studies done that showed that a lot of couples don’t seek help at all because they don’t know how to go about getting help,” says Dr. Yuzpe. “They are frightened off by a lack of knowledge about what needs to be done to do an investigation, what the various treatments are, [the fact] that everything isn’t expensive and so on.”

For many people, the words “fertility treatment” call to mind expensive and invasive in vitro fertilization procedures. But according to Dr. Yuzpe, there are a wide range of causes for fertility problems, not all of which require expensive treatments.

“The number of couples that need IVF relative to the number of couples who are having fertility problems to begin with is probably small,” he says. “Maybe only 15 or 20 percent. There are all kinds of issues that could be present that would not necessarily need IVF.”

According to Dr. Yuzpe, about 40% of cases of infertility can be attributed to the male partner, 45% to the female partner and 15% to a combination of factors, some of which are unexplainable.

On the female side, problems stemming from irregular ovulation can often be resolved with the use of medications. Other female conditions, including blockages or abnormalities of the fallopian tubes can sometimes be treated with surgery.

Male issues such as blockages of the vas deferens or epididymis can also be cleared with surgery. Fertility medications can sometimes be used to increase sperm production, but, according to Dr. Yuzpe, problems on the male side are often the ones that require intrauterine insemination procedures or the more complex in vitro treatments.

“Many of the male issues are not correctable by any other means and that’s where ICSI comes in,” says Dr. Yuzpe. “ICSI is the biggest breakthrough in the treatment of male fertility that has ever occurred,” he says.

ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) is an in vitro fertilization procedure in which a single sperm is injected directly into an egg rather than with conventional IVF, during which sperm is simply combined with an egg in a Petri dish.

As it was for the Cleggs, a large percentage of the cases seen by the Genesis Fertility Centre are caused by advanced maternal age.

“That is the biggest stumbling block that prevents us from helping couples achieve a pregnancy,” he says. “Women should know that. It shouldn’t be their only deciding factor… but women should know their chance of getting pregnant in any cycle is 20%, but once they get beyond 35, their pregnancy rate will go down by about 9% from what it was the year before.”

Vancouver’s AcuBalance Wellness Centre sees a lot of older couples seeking naturopathic treatments for fertility. The Centre’s Dr. Lorne Brown, a doctor of Chinese Medicine, uses techniques such as acupuncture, herbs and qi gong to treat matters of reproductive health.

“We’re about promoting health and vitality,” he says. “You don’t have to be sick to see us. Some people are 38 or 39 and they know that, based on their age, it may be difficult and they just want to improve their overall health and increase their chances of conceiving. You don’t have to have a diagnosis of infertility to see us.”

But some of the patients at AcuBalance do have fertility problems. Dr. Brown explains why some people choose Chinese medicine over western techniques.

“Some of the western techniques like IVF are really great for when someone has a structural issue, like no fallopian tubes,” he says. “But we see patients who have unexplained infertility. We put the body into balance, increase the blood flow to the reproductive organs so more blood to the eggs, hopefully better egg quality, a thicker, richer lining that’s more receptive for embryo implantation.”

And according to Dr. Brown, such treatments can also be helpful for people who are undergoing IVF and other western medical treatments. “Our focus is to prepare their body. The drugs for IVF only work in the last 2 weeks [before the IVF treatment]. But the foundation’s really much earlier than that. We have found out in current western science that the quality of the egg is determined three months before ovulation.”

Dr. Yuzpe says that it is as yet difficult to find scientific studies concerning acupuncture’s effect on pregnancy rates.

“But we have no evidence that acupuncture has any negative effect,” he says. “So from that standpoint it’s good. If some people find that it makes them feel better, if it relaxes them or whatever, that’s great.”

Ultimately, Dr. Yuzpe urges couples who suspect they may have fertility problems to investigate their options.

“A younger couple who are having regular intercourse should feel quite comfortable that after trying for a year it may be worth having a look [for possible problems],” he says. “But as the woman gets beyond the age of 35 and gets to 40 it may be worth looking into her fertility status sooner.”

As for the Cleggs, after an operation to resolve a testicular vein condition and three rounds of IVF, they achieved pregnancy and, just ten months ago, brought their daughter, Charlotte, into the world.

“Ever since the moment she was born I’ve felt this sense of completeness,” says Amanda. “All that stuff we went through with IVF and infertility, it all just seems like nothing now that we have Charlotte and she’s a happy healthy baby.”

Published in Westcoast Families magazine
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The ever-growing cell phone industry is targeting the teen and pre-teen market more and more aggressively these days. And, it seems, with quite a large measure of success.

According to a 2005 survey by the Media Awareness Network, nearly half (46 percent) of all Canadian kids now have their own cell phone by the time they reach grade 11.

Perhaps not surprisingly then, Decima Research found that young people ages 13 to 24 are the largest group of wireless phone users in Canada. If 13 sounds a little young to own a cell phone, well, it seems the pressure on parents to purchase the ever-popular mobile often begins a lot sooner than that.

“It seems to be a trendy thing for girls in her class,” explains Marilyn Jeffrey of her 11-year-old daughter, Jennifer, who’s been asking for a cell phone since last year. Apparently, the colour-coordinated phone is the fashion accessory of choice at Jennifer’s White Rock school.

“They make quite a display, put it that way,” says Jeffrey. “You know, ‘I have this phone and it’s pink and I’m so popular because I have this phone,’ and, of course, that creates a lot of pressure for the others girls.” Let alone for the parents.

But given her family’s routine, Jeffrey doesn’t see the need for her daughter to own a cell at this point. “I work at home, so I’m the one that’s walking her to school and back. It’s not a necessary thing for us,” she pauses.

“For some families maybe it is. Perhaps in a circumstance when both parents are working and a child is going home to an empty house. But for my daughter, I think it’s more of a social pressure.”

Alex Stone, on the other hand, is considering buying a cell phone for his nine-year-old son, Michael. “I think it’s a great idea,” he says. “For safety, and for teaching him responsibility. If he’s ever lost or in trouble, he can get in touch with somebody and get the help he needs instantly.”

The limitations of cell phone brands like the Firefly particularly appeal to Stone. The Firefly has no numeric keypad, rather five buttons, including speed dial for mom and dad, and 911. Parents can use a PIN to program in up to 22 other numbers and there is an option to reject all calls coming from any non-programmed numbers.

“By introducing kids to the technology at a very young age and limiting it to its most basic functions,” believes Stone, “you can teach them to use it properly and eliminate the abuse that often goes on with teenagers ringing up huge bills and wasting time text messaging and chatting.”

The Concerns

Still, for many parents, deciding whether or not to let their pre-teens join the expanding ranks of mobile phone users can be a tough call.

Some, like Maria Duva, feel the devices are nothing but a distraction. Duva’s 12-year-old son Joshua has asked for a phone, but Maria has taken a firm stand. “I notice with things like this that once he’s interested in it, that’s all he talks about for a while,” she says.

“If I bought him one, he would be just infatuated with it. It would be the only thing on his mind all the time and he wouldn’t pay attention to his studies.”

Aside from acting as a possible distraction, the potential health risks associated with cell phone use is also a big concern. Although there have been no conclusive studies that link the phones to brain tumours or other health problems, recent studies out of the UK have suggested that they may have some effect on the still-developing brains of very young children.

But ultimately, no one knows for sure what long-term effects cell phones might have on users. To play it safe, most experts advise parents to limit the amount of time their kids spend talking on them.

Jennifer’s mom, Marilyn Jeffrey, couldn’t agree more. “I don’t think a cell phone is really a healthy thing for anybody to have stuck to their head all day long.”

The Ground Rules

Setting some rules around cell phone use is vital and the first thing Jeffrey would consider if she does one day get her daughter one.

“She wouldn’t be allowed to use it in class,” she says. “And the monthly fees would absolutely be something she would have to be able to afford. Perhaps it would teach her a little bit of responsibility.”

For Alex Stone, the phone would really be all business when it comes to his son. “Michael needs to understand that a cell phone’s primary function is conducting business and exchanging important information.”

Like any technology, the cell phone’s usefulness comes along with a myriad of potential abuses — it’s up to individual parents to decide whether the convenience is worth the risks. But if they’re carefully monitored and properly used, mobile phones can serve as a practical and handy tool for today’s busy families.

Cell Phone Etiquette

If you do decide to allow your child to have a cell phone, don’t forget to teach them some basic cell phone etiquette.

“Apparently a cell phone rang in my daughter’s class the other day,” says White Rock mom, Marilyn Jeffrey. “I think it’s rude and completely unnecessary.”

Make sure your child knows to turn off their cell phone during class, and in places such as movie theatres and libraries. And take the opportunity to teach your child that it’s impolite to interrupt face-to-face conversations to answer a cell phone except in cases of emergency.

Here are a few rules parents might want to consider implementing if they decide to allow their child to have a cell phone:

- Stick to agreed-upon monthly usage limit

- No cell phone use during school classes

- No unnecessary text messaging or chatting (cell phones should not be treated as toys)

- Use with respect & proper etiquette (speak quietly when on the phone in public, and remember to turn off the ringer when appropriate)

- No cell phone use while driving (for older teens)